Today I started out my day by crying to my boyfriend and
that was the tone of my day. My
thoughts today have been focused on the discontent in my life and there seems
to be a lot of it right now. I
really feel out of sorts and as if I just can’t get things right. I am realizing just how stupid I have
been in some aspects of life and that is hard. Especially when some things are not easily fixed. I have woken up every morning lately
hating my life and hating myself.
I guess what is getting to me most is how financially irresponsible I
have been. My debt weighs on my
mind constantly and it is hard knowing that I could be close to debt free now
if I would have made better choices.
There is no thing as good debt, I don’t care what anyone says. I have a student loan and a car loan
that suffocate me each month.
Every time I look at my car I see something I could have done without
and instead paid for college. I
hope to find a different job so I can pay off things.
Another part of my past that I can’t seem to put to rest is
how stupid I have been in relationships with men. I wasted so much time on men that didn’t care for me. Why did I do that? Why did I feel that I didn’t deserve
someone to be good to me? I feel
used by men, I don’t know why I allowed myself to be used but I did. I really am thankful for my current man
in my life but I also can’t help but acknowledge my past relationships and it
has been hard.
I guess I have just came to a point where I am analyzing my
past and really seeing it for what it was. I wanted to think that I was making good choices but I
wasn’t. Now I have to figure out
how to move past all this and that is where I am. What should my next steps be? I am scared about screwing up some more but I guess I can
only hope that I have learned from my mistakes.
Im never really good at giving advice. It just doesn't ever seem like Im of any help at all. I do know, from having courses with you at IUS, and from seeing you out a few times that you are a great person. There is a warmth about you. Upon meeting you we know that deep down you are such a sweet human being. You are real. You are genuine. We all make bad choices and we all make mistakes. You will eventually be able to move on and stop beating yourself up about things. Maybe it'll take you a bit longer than everyone else but it will happen. It has to happen. You are too sweet of a person. It takes a lot for a person to come out and say all these things like you just did. Good for you there! Just remember that We are still young! We have so much life left to live. We will make more mistakes but hopefully our good choices out number those new mistakes. Wise, I think you're freaking awesome! Always have! Promise! Say hi to Noel for me ;)
ReplyDeleteThank you Jose for all the kind words you have said about me. :-) I really appreciate it. I think when I turned 25, I just realized how much I had messed up. That was hard for me. I hold myself to such high standards and I realized that I just had done a lot of things wrong. I will move on, I think it is good that I am taking this time to step back and analyze things so I can do everything better in the future. Really looking forward to doing this blog and everyone can share in my journey. I just want to turn things around. And you are right, I am young! I forget that sometimes, I feel so much older and like I should have so much more accomplished. But I just need to remember that things take time. You gave me a big head with all those compliment Jose! You are quite wonderful yourself! I have always enjoyed my time with you. Thank you for your encouraging words. Noel says Hi back :-)
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